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Autoimmune Arthritis

After 6 years of chronic pain and inflammation, thyroid, fractures, muscle spasms, asthma and many more, one day your left index PIP (Proximal Inter Phalange) joint swells and doesn’t move (ain’t pretty). You think ah! been there done that, might just be another break but surprise surprise! (not a good one clearly). Worried me went to an orthopaedic doctor who recommended a surgery. Now worried and scared me(because I had a surgery in just December) reached out to my cousin for his opinion who knows my long medical history. This cousin is the one who recommended, 4 years back when he visited India, to go to a rheumatologist as he felt something was missing in my diagnosis. But unfortunately, that rheumatologist didn’t diagnose properly. Now as one more symptom has come into light my cousin recommended all possible x-rays, blood works and combined with hours of consultation with his friend the answer was revealed – “Autoimmune Arthritis”

“Arthritis?! How old are you?” you might ask. Well just going to be 30 (this October) but my body behaves like its 60 years and my heart thinks its still stuck at 3 years! I was going through mixed emotions. I was in great pain and it made me think of others who are experiencing similar issues with no proper diagnosis pained me more. Especially when it comes to women there is a long history of dismissing pain. We don’t know if this is implicit bias or the way we judge women and pain in terms of their presentation for clinical conditions. The history of downplaying symptoms told by women is ridiculous and awareness should be raised around this.

But along with pain I was also happy that I finally got the proper diagnosis and a bunch of people as my support system – my husband, my parents, my in-laws, extended families and dear friends. And two people in particular, my cousin and his friend who made sure to monitor my symptoms and evaluate the reports everyday for 2 weeks. I felt blessed and grateful but this also made me sad about my condition and that I have to be on medication for next few years or maybe for life. Told you right? Mixed emotions! I am OK though.

From this experience of going to hospitals numerous times for tests and consultations now at these scary Covid-19 times made me realize how hard it is for young parents like my brother and me who can’t stay away from their kids. My kid and my brother’s kid would be waiting to hug us a soon as we come from hospital but had to beg them to stay away (which they don’t understand why) until we sanitize ourselves. Its heart wrenching to keep them away even for that little period of time and its frightening as to what we are bringing home to our kids and family from those visits. Words can’t express what I felt for how my brother and Sudhir who supported me and accompanied me in all these visits (Love you both!!!). Extremely thankful and grateful to my parents and sister in-law who were very supportive. My heart goes to all those people who are facing the similar situation and hope they all stay safe & healthy.

Now that I know the problem (Arthritis) I can work towards the solution. I’ve always been strong and that helped me put a smile on my face even under these circumstances. But what to do with comments like “you look healthy, chubby and fat, what’s wrong with you?” (which have become part of everyday conversation)??? Here is my answer – How I look isn’t an indicator of my pain. You don’t have to approve it, accept it, understand it or even acknowledge it unless you’ve x-ray eyes to see my periarticular osteopenia. I hope one day we get to live in a society where we’ll have no one judging others by their looks. These people could be in physical or mental pain, may be a heartbreak. We don’t know the story so we don’t have the right to judge. Let’s be kind to one and another if we can or keep it shut. Period.

Take me back

Family

The door bangs continuously with a loud cheering voice calling out ” Pinni, Babaii ” .

Right at that moment I knew how excited my brother in-law’s kid was to see the sunrise on his first vacation.

Come sit he said, We all watched the sun stretch and rise slowly into the sky to tell us all it’s going to be a beautiful day. ” Wow ” we all signed at once. The joy we find when we spend quality time with nature together shows how much we appreciate being alive. Nature is deep and gives lot of inner peace.

It was a family vacation with his grandparents, parents, Uncle, Aunt and his Brother who just turned 1 yr old.

We stayed in a resort called Tanto Far resort which had access to the beach. As described in their website, it was a beach view villa and had three bedrooms with an open kitchen that had a perfect view to the private beach. Our morning was filled with his loud words and expressing how happy he is and telling us where he wanted to stand and watch the light. We all sat with a cup of coffee in our hands, a fresh breeze on our face and smiles like never before. We had a complete itinerary but just wanted to take a break and didn’t want to do anything.

Slowly we moved to the beach, played with the sand dunes and waves. Both the kids thoroughly enjoyed themselves in that peaceful environment. Swam in the pool and after hot showers we had a yummy breakfast prepared with their own vegetation. The trees, play area and birds singing to their own tunes felt like bliss.

After spending hours together with Nature, we headed to Rock beach in the evening, though the 1 year old slept happily in the baby carrier bag with his mom and dad alternatively, we all had an amazing experience that evening. He woke up after sometime and brothers ran through the beach and played with the sand. We were just watching them and the waves. Nature has its own way of healing and calming effect.

While the one year old was too tired and slept, we the new parents wanted to take some time out and enjoy the nature. So, Mayank’s Aunt and Uncle were looking after him. Later, when Mayank woke up his brother took the plunge of being a super hero big Brother cheered him up and engaged him.

That night we went to a restaurant called Shenbaga hotel. Like they say, be a Roman in Rome, we had all the dishes that were famous in Pondicherry. To my surprise, I fell in love with the food and Pondicherry again. This place never gets old. I wish I could go to more places in a year, this would be one among them in the list always.

After a while, when we came back to resort, Mayank immediately fell asleep, we were all sitting in the open kitchen looking at the night sky. The elder kiddo(Anish) never stops us to feel amazed with his endless story telling and we, his Pinni and babai( aunt and uncle) are the ever entertaining people who are always all ears to his stories. We were engaging Anish with new games while his parents were enjoying there time alone.

The next day was completely filled with playing in the park, photo sessions outside our resort, swinging and sun bathing. We all thoroughly enjoyed every second and it rejuvenated us.

On the way back from resort to home, though the journey was 61/2 hours it was like less than 4 hours. His grand father narrated his experiences and life lessons while grandmother hummed all her favourite tunes. We all played Anthyakshari ( a game where we sing songs). Both the kids were jumping to the songs and laughing.

A vacation with the Family is a trip so close to our hearts that we cherish and want to do it more often.

Take me back to those days. Oh, I miss my family the most during such pandemic but these memories in my heart keep coming up and remind me that better days are going to come. When I meet them finally it will be a day with less words and more emotions.

I love you, guys.

I know a lot of you guys are missing your families and loved ones. We are all in this together and this too shall pass. Better days will come. Hugs and more power to you all.

New Year

Profession & Creativity

Scrolling down Instagram feed made me realise it’s flooded with everyone listing down there achievements this year, a few were very interesting,inspiring and real. When I said “Real” I meant it, like Michelle Obama’s post said ” the kind of things most of us share on social media, those are important but we should also be sure to relish the fullness of stories” this felt like it came right out of my mind too.

As I already mentioned once, social media always shows bright moments and we should not fall for that. Every day is not colorful, we’ll have grey days too. It’s all about balancing ourselves through those days. Mental and physical health should be an important part of our day.Things I have learnt from 2018 & 19 are

1)Talk to your friend,mother or husband or someone who can understand what you are going through.

2)Everyday go for fresh air walk.

3) Sit in Sunlight.

4) Have some “me-time” for sure.

It’s easy to say but hard to follow. I know, I have been there and I am still struggling.

So, I made a list myself ( not a big one though)

Professional, I am extremely happy that I wrote a piece on Motherhood and it got published on an Online Website. A big shoutout to Shwetha @timesofamma for believing in me. I started my own blog, not that active but I started it and that’s what counts for me.

Personally, I made sure I managed to handle all the things my baby and hubby wanted. Mayank, who will be 2yrs by this Jan end is able to narrate a story by himself in his own words so I am proud of myself first.

I had gone through a list of health issues even in this year, somehow health and me are always having conflicts, I hope she day we do smooth. Anyways, I just had a surgery(minor but a traumatic one)last week where I was unconscious for a couple of seconds on the night of surgery and now in recovery stage. Would write about it later. I must be thankful to my core family for hanging there with me and friends who were checking on me and the blessings and wishes from family members those who couldn’t be beside me.

All it matters is, how well we Face the situation, good or bad, Fight it and Get over with. Today, I am happy, heal and healthy. Thinking of ways to sneak out and party 😜

Happy Mother’s day

Family

Motherhood is a weird thing. We feel so many mixed-emotions all at once. For me, it didn’t start with the fancy story of taking a pregnancy test at home. Instead ‘ Sweetuu! ‘ I whined to Sudhir from bathroom looking at few bloodied clots on the floor.We rushed to the hospital nearby, met an Ob/Gyn, she examined me and calmed down us saying ,’You need to take a week’s rest and come back with a home pregnancy test. We don’t like to see bleeding, of course, but it’s not uncommon.’

I had the same episode of bleeding twice. We waited as the doctor advised and took the test. Once you see those two pink lines on those glossy plastic sheets you want to jump up or dance but at the same time you stand still as you don’t want to hurt the baby because you are not sure if you can do such actions. Days turned into weeks, and finally it was time to confirm with the radiologist if it was an ectopic pregnancy or a normal one.

The Doctor switched on his handheld ultrasound, pressed the wand on my abdomen, and angling the small screen toward us he said ‘And… here, have a look at your baby’.
Sudhir gazing at the screen asked, ‘ Are you talking about that lentil-sized something on the screen?’ The Doctor smiled and said yes.

My first- trimester was a roller-coaster ride, relieved one day and terrified the next. I had subchorionic hemorrhage. When I heard it from the doctor I wasn’t sure what it was but it scared me. I heard the sound of the heartbeat flickering and she said ‘ the baby looks all fine’. I calmed down. The day came when we had to go-to for the NT scan, we were in a room and the technician prepped the equipment and when the screen lit up, there it was – tiny pairs of arms and legs, hands and feet.

We looked at each other and the baby twice,thrice and more until I had clearly scanned my child with my eyes and imprinted it in my brain. It left us speechless. Everything was fine with the baby and me. My husband was certainly having his fun describing everything to my mother.

‘The Baby was doing Yoga asanas bending it’s knees and moving freely just like Swarna, which I haven’t ever done,’ he said.

As we were entering into my second and third trimesters, I had lesser complications. I sighed and was happy to hear that we could go walking around the park, as always. Slowly my body got heavier and I had to get few vitamin shots every alternate day. It was painful. But I ignored the pain and enjoyed the kicks of the baby. I knew my child loved it when I was active.
I had episodes of the cervical length getting small – something that was supposed to trigger preterm labour. I heard many stories of my friends about miscarriages and premature babies. But I was always confident that my pregnancy would be uneventful. I was thinking about my pregnancy test, my doctor’s constant assurances, my support system at home and my unstinting hope.I was in my 34th week and 4th day, talking to my mom about how she had her deliveries. That moment was so perfect as if that conversation was meant to happen at that time. I woke up to go to the bathroom. And suddenly, my water broke.

In what seemed like minutes, we were in the labour room, wanting to welcome this baby into the world. Even after 11 hours of labor though, my baby was not ready to come out. So there I was being wheeled into the operation theatre, something that I had not prepared for, having expected to have a natural delivery when suddenly my my Mom whispered, ‘Go ahead. This is the leap of faith that every mother takes. After carrying her baby in her heart and her body for nine months,she happily takes on the unbearable pains and even lets the doctor cut her body open to just give her baby safe passage and a warm hug’. I smiled, took a deep breath and told the nurses that I was ready to go.
When I looked at my baby boy for the first time, my Mother’s words felt right and in a flash I remembered all the hard and happy times from my childhood and how my mom stood strong to fight the world and make us responsible individuals. I assured Sudhir and myself that I was gonna take this experience as bliss and cherish all the ups and downs that happened during pregnancy. Motherhood is definitely a good weird thing, the best weird thing that happened to me.

Happy mother’s day Amma. I love you and I tell you everyday. Thank you Mayank for choosing me as your Mom and making me celebrate this day.

To all the mom’s out there, yes you are a super women and your doing a great job. As Actress Sonali Bendre said in a TV commercial “There’s nothing wrong in not knowing few things even if you are a super Mom. When someone advices you please listen to them and later decide yourself if it’s good or not ”

Lots of love.

Re-Birth & Gratitude

Motherhood

Really !! are you 1 already !?

Baby Mayank you were born on Jan 31st 11:37 a.m , weighing in at 2.3kgs 48cms. You decided to come out little early 34 weeks and 2 days, but considerate enough to let me have my baby shower *rolling eyes and wide grin*

I remember your Mama(maternal uncle) driving us to the hospital at midnight after the baby shower.You were fashionably late and decide to make an appearance after 12 hours of labor pain . My gynecologist was without doubt one of the best and I’m forever grateful for her.she patiently tried her best and waited for a normal delivery to happen all the while giving me strength to endure the pain. Though there were some complications , I must say we were lucky you didn’t have to go through incubation or any other support but just had to go through some antibiotics and low weight care. I could empathize with other parents who were travelling in the same boat and my heart went out to those who had it worse. I also remember the nurses who were so patient to both the babies and their mom’s ,they made it look so simple like they were born to do that with their patient and soothing voices. Some day maybe I’ll take you to meet them and also your pediatrician, who took utmost care of you and all the other babies.

.People say it was a beautiful year but beta let me tell you everyday was not easy but it was worth it and we(Nanna and me) wouldn’t have done it without these people in our lives.

Do you know how much Ammama (my mom ) loved you , she woke up every two hours along with me and palada(?) fed you for almost 45 mins (because you couldn’t even gulp properly) for more than a month.Ammama had always been like that hardworking , smiling and a warm human .we both had always been close, I used to share everything in detail with her .we used to hold our hands ,walk down the streets talking and laughing about simple things.One day I envision you would share all the little things with me. I remember when your Mama and I used to sleep beside her as she narrated stories for us. Those moments were pure bliss and I feel the same joy and contentment today as ammamma looks after you and Rithvik.

Your thatha loves you no less. He cooked and helped ammamma and used to feed Ritvik every day as your ammamma was tied up with us.He had his own way of showering us with love. He was a totally different person with you around , nothing like the version of his personality I knew. His love for both you and Ritvik is unconditional and I’m happy that you can experience that.

If having one set of loving grandparents would make you lucky, it is almost as if you won a lottery cause your other set of grandparents are love personified. Your bamma(paternal grandmother) needs no introduction, I’m pretty sure you’ll soon be planning some mischief with her. She has always made you smile. She is a kid herself when she’s surrounded by kids. She laughs and plays with them and makes sure they are always happy. Looking at the two of you smiling and playing around made me forget that I was tired and I used to just sit there, soaking in the simplicity of it all and captured it in my mind to treasure forever.

I heard stories of how hardworking your Thatha (paternal grandfather)was ,one day when you’re old enough maybe he’ll share it with you as well. He always had this calm persona which was almost contagious,it was almost impossible to worry around him. He used to take us out for walks , look after you when mamma was busy with other tasks and even try to talk and play with you. Oh dear, you are a blessed soul to have people like this around you.

We learn a lot from our Grandparents they say ! You must learn and you will know more in future as I am gonna turn my Radio on and go on tell you about them.

Beta, you and I are lucky in having one another person in this journey, guess who? Your nanna! You’ll come to realize that he’ll always have your back , just like he did mine.

So much more I want to say and so many more people I want to tell you about, but I’ll save it for another day .

Loads of love

Amma

Magic moment

Motherhood

Congratulations they shouted !!

All I could hear was a baby’s cry ,Oh good! They cried. That exact moment of relief and joy that the mom goes through is beyond words. Now I knew the meaning of that sentence.

It didn’t matter if it was a girl or boy. I just wanted to see the baby. I could hear the crying sound from a little distance. I repeatedly kept asking where the baby was.They said they’ll get the baby once they cleaned up . A nurse came a few minutes later and revealed the gender, it was a boy! My boy…sigh!

I could tell he was a curious soul ,already trying to open his eyes to look at me. My heart skipped a beat and everything I heard about being a mom felt real as I gazed at my teeny tiny baby Wrapped up in a soft cotton towel like they showed in the movies with all the baby skin and hair all over. It wasn’t long before they took him away from me, I opposed vehemently and wanted him back, not wanting to part . I was told that I could have him once I’m back in my ward.

I kept asking what was taking so long and wished they would get him to me sooner. At that very moment his doctor came and told us that he is in NICU, he was fine but he had to get antibiotics and other things as he was born pre-term and low weight. I asked every nurse and every doctor who remotely looked like they could help to let me see him . Sudhir and my mom weren’t spared either. All I wanted to do was just look at him again , and it took nearly 24hrs to do that .

and once I did I fell in love again !

Ok guys thanks for reading so far.

Thanks again . Like Comment and share guys 🙂

On Cloud9 like literally

Motherhood

I had a pinching pain in my lower back and it spread to my leg and it was unbearable. I needed help to even get out of my bed. I Was miserable and felt helpless. Numerous consultations later I was advised to try physiotherapy and asked to take rest.

Sudhir became my backbone at that point and balanced both work and me .Amidst all this One of my cousins suggested consulting a Reumatologist. We were clueless as to what that even meant. So , like all smart people we googled it! I managed to get an appointment after a wait period of 15 days. Atlast the suspense was revealed after 4 years of suffering . I have some condition called “Fibromyalgia”. Though it sounded scary ,We felt relieved because now that I know what the problem was I could chalk out an action plan . I realized that I had taken my health for granted but no more , especially with the thought of starting a family.

I started taking prenatal vitamins as suggested by my sister who was a gynecologist. We started going for walks whenever possible.I started doing yoga and everything else that might help me stay fit! But one thing remained the same , the clarity that we weren’t going to rush this.

As we settled into routine a surprise awaited us and not before long,came a cute little baby boy,my nephew .he was the most beautiful baby I had seen maybe I was biased but he was !

We planned a getaway with friends, a one that was long overdue, a much needed break. Kodaikanal fit the bill and off we went. You remember the last piece of chocolate that you saved up as a kid, to savour it later , the memories of this trip are like that last piece of chocolate !Nature , food and friends what more could you ask for ! I was in my most adventurous self and even went trekking to a viewpoint called ‘Dolphin’s nose’ The sense of achievement I felt was akin to that of climbing the Mount Everest.This trip made me understand how staring I could be both mentally and physically and that was the best souvenir I could take home.

Time passed so quickly and before we knew we were planning on attending his naming ceremony . It was another memorable trip as we stayed at vizag and enjoyed its beaches .

I remember reading in the book Secret that ”When you want something all the universe conspires you in helping you to achieve it” Maybe it was the universe did conspire because as We were on the way back to Banglore , something happened.

On our flight from vizag, As the captain made the announcement that we were ready to take off my stomach started rumbling, my head started spinning and I definitely knew I was going to puke.I looked at my husband expectantly indicating that this was maybe a sign. My brother who sat next to my husband gave me a ‘should I be worried or is this what I think it is and you shouldn’t have travelled’ look . Our faces spoke volumes and we didn’t have to utter a single word.

And then exactly after 8 months and a day one night Later I was all set to welcome this little person who was going to change our lives in more ways than we knew.

Career

Profession & Creativity

I always think that the dreams we have as kids are the best kind of dreams , where reality doesn’t interfere.I wanted to be a Radio Jockey , talk to people, get to know their stories. As I grew up I shifted gears and wanted to be a dubbing artist , this time wanted to be the one voicing their stories. Later , I thought I wanted to be a part of PR then changed my mind and decided That MBA was a more practical choice. While I might have wavered and been indecisive about my choices I always knew that I wanted to have something I could call mine, be an entrepreneur.

We often do not give ourselves due credit. We let the society define who we are and worry . Instead we should put our efforts in focusing on getting to know our inner voice and follow our heart , however cheesy it may sound.

The realization dawned on me as I tried to understand what I enjoyed the most. I recollected all those instances where I saved up my pocket money to buy fabric and guide my tailor on what patterns I liked and how I wanted my dresses stitched. My attention to detail was on point as I even picked the buttons that went into the making of my dress.That was when I realized fashion could be my passion.

I shared these inner musings with my husband along with what I had in my mind about pursuing fashion designing as a career option . In order to lay the foundation for that I wanted to study in a reputed college like NIFT to build up a portfolio . Not so surprisingly he was very supportive and wanted to know about the application procedure.‘ When I heard that I was overwhelmed !! I wanted to dance !! I guess I almost did a theen mar step !!
(If you don’t know what I’m referring to , do yourself a favor and google it , maybe do a little step as well while you’re at it).

Once the decision was made there was no looking back . I studied and worked for few months for a well known designer ‘ Manoviraj Khosla’. At that point I felt fairly well settled in my career and we started discussing about having a family. But before that I knew I had to get my health affairs in order, get fit and I wanted to balance my career with a baby on my own terms .The wheels in my head started turning and I felt this was the perfect opportunity to start something of my own . If I couldn’t have a studio I at least wanted to be a freelancer. And that gave way to one baby , SS Vibrance my very own label . A dream come true , something that I had been chasing for a while .
I had the opportunity to do some excellent work, If I may say so myself . All was well for a few months and then it wasn’t. I started having health issues but I tried my best not to give up.

Let’s Go Back to Teens

Teenage

I always like to go back to the past to talk about the present because I strongly feel whatever we talk or the actions we do always reflect to those in our past, the way our parents used to talk to us, the way we were brought up, our neighborhood, schooling, friends and everything has an impact on us.

So when I was doing my Engineering, exactly those days when I was concentrating on what exactly I want to do and how to plan for it, I realised I was good at few things. I was good at Communication. Luckily I did my interenship at a beautiful place and when we used to goto different colleges to speak to HODs and students I always took initiative to speak and my boss allowed me to do so. And damn I did good, my every nerve used to get that adrinaline rush when I was on-stage !! I used to love it !

But never ignored the actual sessions of teaching those students “How to Code a Game Tik Tak Toe” I was the last one to write the game during my class but when it came down to teaching them I used to find the funny and easy ways to help them understand. Anyhow, my favourite sessions during the whole workshop process were – Talking to HOD, getting on-to that stage and talking to students and writing down those names who immediatly used to say yes and thinking “hmm this went well !! “

Slowly I started thinking more and more about this ! Never cleared any aptitude tests for big companies but I was sure if I clear that round the next JAM round and HR round were my favourite and I was sure that i’ll be selected but nope just with few marks in first round I used to go back home. But my brother never gave up on me. He always used to pat my back and say ” U can do better and I am sure ” I used to see that trust in my mom’s eyes and used to feel that every Mom trusts her kids but yes definitely when my brother used to say I used to feel “Yes I know I am going to do something big “… Can I ?

I never quit going to colleges and giving these workshops , everyone around me used to get a Job and then goto big MNCs. One day when I was standing out waiting for my friend’s result I was speaking to few strangers and then was telling them that I want to start something on my own and planning about it. I was like ” what are u blabbering ?! “, but I was somehow confident and loved it when I said .

Journey

Motherhood

Ask any mother about her journey of motherhood she’ll have a story to tell you ,, I thought of telling about my experiences before and after my child birth here !!

Kudos to those mothers who wanted to be stay at home mom’s, who wanted to start their career and look after their children, who had to be stay at home mom’s and who had to goto job !!
Every mother is special and every story is different .
It all started 5 years back !! Like every indian family ,, ” education hogaya shadi karo bache plan karo ” but for me they waited for an year before they started asking !! Maybe they thought honeymoon period lasts only for an year 😉 😉   Ohh lucky me !!!!
But then it all changed after an year !! Everyone whom I met whom I called !! My friends my family there was only one question ” so when are you giving us the good news !??
My friends who were not yet married also had the same question and I was like ” Whatttt !!!! Are you serious ”  After 2 years people got little more curious they started asking ” is everything ok !! Do you need to consult a doctor !? ” We were like ” oh my God !! This is going out of boundaries , but we just kept quite ”   To all those who always asked here is Our answer
From the day 1 of our wedding ,, oh yes u read it right ” from the day 1 ” of our wedding we always had a plan about our careers about our plan when to plan babies ,, what to do after having babies ,, and everything !! Touchwood !! it all went according to what we have planned !!